It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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