Screwed.edu
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
