I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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