I'm so fucking centered right now
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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