and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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