So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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