She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
