Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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