There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
All the doctor said was why
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
