i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
