The best revenge is premature balding
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
