the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The uberlube is also flammable
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize