Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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