I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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