no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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