I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
