I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my sisters under your porch take her home
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
