Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
