she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
