Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
