You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
