god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She's the barista slut.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
