Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
