Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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