This is not my ceiling
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
