Jerry, you need to find god
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
