He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
