just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
