Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
