I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
did i just pee glitter
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
