I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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