11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
