By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
