o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
