Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
