Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
