I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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