your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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