Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
