Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
