someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
