He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
