First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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