also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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