i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
