My underwear smells like fireworks.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize