I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
