Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
