I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
