why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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