I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
