Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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