He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
