Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
