smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
