Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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