If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
