I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
she peed on how many people?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
