i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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