Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
