The maid of honor just puked.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
