As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
