May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
