Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
