the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
