got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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