Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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