After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
How external is "for external use only"?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
