i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I should be sponsored by Trojan
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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