I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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