Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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