Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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