Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
