the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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